Whatever

There are a lot of ways to say that. I am not saying it as a sarcastic teenager wanting only to get her parents off her back. No, I'm saying it as a broken vessel that can only hope in my openness and willingness to find use once again.

This morning was quite special at worship this morning--on several levels. One of the very meaningful moments came at the end of the service. I pastored in the Church of the Nazarene for over 20 years. I saw the overuse and abuse of the "altar call" but I also saw beautiful sacred moments. I have missed the oppotunity to bow and "do business" with God. As the pastor preached, I felt my heart wanting to move. Our denomination doesn't have a "mourner's bench" or kneeling altar at the front, but as our pastor closed his message he gave an invitation. I honestly couldn't get there fast enough and knelt at the steps. All I could say, all I could tell God was "whatever."

One of the things that I heard God saying through Pastor's message was that God calls us beyond ourselves. Using the story of Gideon, Pastor demonstrated how God wanted to do something amazing so he clearly called Gideon beyond himself. When God wanted to extend his work (see Acts 1:8) to the ends of the earth, he knew that it was going to take way more than that little group could muster so he told them he would give them the means as long as they would trust him (go and do as I instruct you).

Right now it is really hard for me to imagine what God might want to do with me because I have been so busy aching in my heart to do what I do well (teach, speak, and preach) and have been barred from doing. There is so much hurt and my eyes are so clouded with tears of grief and loss that I cannot see or imagine what God could do with me. I went forward to tell God "whatever." I'll do whatever because I willing and because I have nothing else to do.

As I was typing the last part I was reminded of Ephesians 3:20
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

Right now my imagination is wounded. I'm trusting what I know. He will do the rest. He promised.