My Portion and Cup

I have enough. You have enough, too.

I had to remind myself about that today. I haven’t been feeling that way. I’ve been nervous and stressed about finances. I’ve watched Nelson struggle, getting back to work after rehabbing (again) for the past six months. I’ve even caught myself eyeing the accomplishments of my former high school and college classmates and felt that ping of…of…

I just went and did a search on envy, because I wasn’t sure if that’s what I felt. I learned a few things. First, did you know that there’s a difference between jealousy and envy? I didn’t. Here’s what I found at dictionary.com:
jealousy is reflective of a person's feelings or attitudes toward another person, whereas envy expresses a person's feelings or attitudes toward another person's advantages or accomplishments; jealousy pertains to emotional rivalry while envy is resentment of a more fortunate person

So I’m not envious. I don’t resent that my friends have what they have. They’ve worked hard, obviously didn’t screw up like I did to lose everything, so I don’t begrudge them what they have. But what is the feeling?

Most of the time, I am quite content with what I have. It’s what I have. It’s what I chose. Some people fuss when they pick the wrong thing. I try to figure out what to do with what I’ve got. But every now and then I wonder what life would have been like if I had made different choices. I wonder if it might be easier, if we wouldn’t be struggling so badly.

As I’m writing, there’s the most adorable almost three year old sitting across the room from me playing with marbles. Asher was an unplanned pregnancy, but never an unwanted child. When I start to wonder why God led us down this difficult part of our journey, I stop and just thank him for this most precious blessing.

Thinking about all this reminded me of one of my oft quoted verses: Psalm 16:5 “LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.” In another Psalm, David writes, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything that I need.” I have what God wants me to have and I have what I need.

A little bit ago, Asher was wanting a snack. He had already had breakfast and a couple small snacks. I told him that he didn’t need another snack, that it would be lunch time soon. He fussed for a moment, looked at me and then went back to play. Why? Because he and I have an understanding: it’s his job to ask for everything (I’m so thankful to be past Christmas toy commercials) and my job to decide what he needs and what wants are within reason. Most days he trusts me. Other days we live through melt downs when he can’t accept my decision.

Occasionally, I have melt downs. I yell at God and ask why. Sometimes I pout and stew—as if any of this behavior will change God’s mind, or his plan. I don’t know why I’m so slow and thick. I think Asher catches on quicker than I do at times. He may fuss, but he has learned that I don’t withhold from him anything that is good for him. He may not like the plans I have, but he trusts that I have his best at heart. Just like God with me.

I will probably have those moments where I wonder about how life might be different. I might even wish I could change a few decisions. But right now, I’m living my portion with a cup that overflows and I couldn’t be more secure. I really do have everything I need.