One of the Red Sea Rules (from a favorite book of mine by the same title) assures us that God has us right where he wants us. This is based on the instruction s that God gave to Moses when he told him where the Israelites were to camp: in what seemed like a totally impossible and impassible situation.
Later in Jeremiah 29 we read that God not only carried them into exile, but that they should put down roots and get ready to stay a while.
At face value neither instruction makes any sense.
This week didn’t make much sense to me either. We already strapped and trying to figure out ways to cut back here and there. I don’t dare mention to Nelson anything I want. I am learning to want nothing. I’m getting used to having no money in my wallet. We scraped change together for me to go have breakfast with a friend today.
And then the car breaks down and we need a new transmission. We bought the Liberty so that I would have a safe vehicle to drive north for the job I lost in June. We took on that debt because we thought we were doing what God was leading us to do. Why would he allow us to take on a debt that would strap us both by payment and now by repair when he knew in advance that the Jeep was going to break down?
I just don’t get it. I know that God is in control. I believe it. I have to or nothing in my life makes any sense at all—and right now I need something to make some kind of sense. I feel like I have no control over anything. I can’t get a good paying job because of my label and crime. We can’t find a place to live that we can afford where we’re allowed to live. I can’t move anywhere different or better because the powers that be in my state continue to put off making a decision regarding the illegality of the change in the law and status for offenders. My petition has been in the possession of the judge for over a year. I have a icky itchy rash all over my body.
But God assures me that he has me right where he wants me. I just don’t like where I am and I’m not very good at being here. I’m a fixer. I motivate and encourage others, but I feel myself slipping into a dark abyss.
In the Exodus 14 passage, it also states that what will happen, the deliverance of the Israelites through the Red Sea as their enemies are bear down on them, is going to happen for God’s glory. I wonder how much comfort that was to those people as look to the left and saw the sea, the right and saw the mountains, and could hear their enemies fast approaching. I’m all for God receiving glory, and I will give him credit for seeing me through, but right now all I feel is the pinch and discomfort. All I’m left with is questions.
I’m not going anywhere. I feel a little like Peter: where else would I go? Nowhere. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Somehow it seems fitting that it’s snowing outside. It’s been a cold, harsh winter. Outside and in my heart. I’ll keep obeying. I’ll keep trusting. I’ll keep hoping. I will will myself to. I just don’t expect to see the moving without my getting out there to shovel. I’d probably have looked for a bucket there by the Red Sea.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
My Portion and Cup
I have enough. You have enough, too.
I had to remind myself about that today. I haven’t been feeling that way. I’ve been nervous and stressed about finances. I’ve watched Nelson struggle, getting back to work after rehabbing (again) for the past six months. I’ve even caught myself eyeing the accomplishments of my former high school and college classmates and felt that ping of…of…
I just went and did a search on envy, because I wasn’t sure if that’s what I felt. I learned a few things. First, did you know that there’s a difference between jealousy and envy? I didn’t. Here’s what I found at dictionary.com:
jealousy is reflective of a person's feelings or attitudes toward another person, whereas envy expresses a person's feelings or attitudes toward another person's advantages or accomplishments; jealousy pertains to emotional rivalry while envy is resentment of a more fortunate person
So I’m not envious. I don’t resent that my friends have what they have. They’ve worked hard, obviously didn’t screw up like I did to lose everything, so I don’t begrudge them what they have. But what is the feeling?
Most of the time, I am quite content with what I have. It’s what I have. It’s what I chose. Some people fuss when they pick the wrong thing. I try to figure out what to do with what I’ve got. But every now and then I wonder what life would have been like if I had made different choices. I wonder if it might be easier, if we wouldn’t be struggling so badly.
As I’m writing, there’s the most adorable almost three year old sitting across the room from me playing with marbles. Asher was an unplanned pregnancy, but never an unwanted child. When I start to wonder why God led us down this difficult part of our journey, I stop and just thank him for this most precious blessing.
Thinking about all this reminded me of one of my oft quoted verses: Psalm 16:5 “LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.” In another Psalm, David writes, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything that I need.” I have what God wants me to have and I have what I need.
A little bit ago, Asher was wanting a snack. He had already had breakfast and a couple small snacks. I told him that he didn’t need another snack, that it would be lunch time soon. He fussed for a moment, looked at me and then went back to play. Why? Because he and I have an understanding: it’s his job to ask for everything (I’m so thankful to be past Christmas toy commercials) and my job to decide what he needs and what wants are within reason. Most days he trusts me. Other days we live through melt downs when he can’t accept my decision.
Occasionally, I have melt downs. I yell at God and ask why. Sometimes I pout and stew—as if any of this behavior will change God’s mind, or his plan. I don’t know why I’m so slow and thick. I think Asher catches on quicker than I do at times. He may fuss, but he has learned that I don’t withhold from him anything that is good for him. He may not like the plans I have, but he trusts that I have his best at heart. Just like God with me.
I will probably have those moments where I wonder about how life might be different. I might even wish I could change a few decisions. But right now, I’m living my portion with a cup that overflows and I couldn’t be more secure. I really do have everything I need.
I had to remind myself about that today. I haven’t been feeling that way. I’ve been nervous and stressed about finances. I’ve watched Nelson struggle, getting back to work after rehabbing (again) for the past six months. I’ve even caught myself eyeing the accomplishments of my former high school and college classmates and felt that ping of…of…
I just went and did a search on envy, because I wasn’t sure if that’s what I felt. I learned a few things. First, did you know that there’s a difference between jealousy and envy? I didn’t. Here’s what I found at dictionary.com:
jealousy is reflective of a person's feelings or attitudes toward another person, whereas envy expresses a person's feelings or attitudes toward another person's advantages or accomplishments; jealousy pertains to emotional rivalry while envy is resentment of a more fortunate person
So I’m not envious. I don’t resent that my friends have what they have. They’ve worked hard, obviously didn’t screw up like I did to lose everything, so I don’t begrudge them what they have. But what is the feeling?
Most of the time, I am quite content with what I have. It’s what I have. It’s what I chose. Some people fuss when they pick the wrong thing. I try to figure out what to do with what I’ve got. But every now and then I wonder what life would have been like if I had made different choices. I wonder if it might be easier, if we wouldn’t be struggling so badly.
As I’m writing, there’s the most adorable almost three year old sitting across the room from me playing with marbles. Asher was an unplanned pregnancy, but never an unwanted child. When I start to wonder why God led us down this difficult part of our journey, I stop and just thank him for this most precious blessing.
Thinking about all this reminded me of one of my oft quoted verses: Psalm 16:5 “LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.” In another Psalm, David writes, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything that I need.” I have what God wants me to have and I have what I need.
A little bit ago, Asher was wanting a snack. He had already had breakfast and a couple small snacks. I told him that he didn’t need another snack, that it would be lunch time soon. He fussed for a moment, looked at me and then went back to play. Why? Because he and I have an understanding: it’s his job to ask for everything (I’m so thankful to be past Christmas toy commercials) and my job to decide what he needs and what wants are within reason. Most days he trusts me. Other days we live through melt downs when he can’t accept my decision.
Occasionally, I have melt downs. I yell at God and ask why. Sometimes I pout and stew—as if any of this behavior will change God’s mind, or his plan. I don’t know why I’m so slow and thick. I think Asher catches on quicker than I do at times. He may fuss, but he has learned that I don’t withhold from him anything that is good for him. He may not like the plans I have, but he trusts that I have his best at heart. Just like God with me.
I will probably have those moments where I wonder about how life might be different. I might even wish I could change a few decisions. But right now, I’m living my portion with a cup that overflows and I couldn’t be more secure. I really do have everything I need.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Whatever
There are a lot of ways to say that. I am not saying it as a sarcastic teenager wanting only to get her parents off her back. No, I'm saying it as a broken vessel that can only hope in my openness and willingness to find use once again.
This morning was quite special at worship this morning--on several levels. One of the very meaningful moments came at the end of the service. I pastored in the Church of the Nazarene for over 20 years. I saw the overuse and abuse of the "altar call" but I also saw beautiful sacred moments. I have missed the oppotunity to bow and "do business" with God. As the pastor preached, I felt my heart wanting to move. Our denomination doesn't have a "mourner's bench" or kneeling altar at the front, but as our pastor closed his message he gave an invitation. I honestly couldn't get there fast enough and knelt at the steps. All I could say, all I could tell God was "whatever."
One of the things that I heard God saying through Pastor's message was that God calls us beyond ourselves. Using the story of Gideon, Pastor demonstrated how God wanted to do something amazing so he clearly called Gideon beyond himself. When God wanted to extend his work (see Acts 1:8) to the ends of the earth, he knew that it was going to take way more than that little group could muster so he told them he would give them the means as long as they would trust him (go and do as I instruct you).
Right now it is really hard for me to imagine what God might want to do with me because I have been so busy aching in my heart to do what I do well (teach, speak, and preach) and have been barred from doing. There is so much hurt and my eyes are so clouded with tears of grief and loss that I cannot see or imagine what God could do with me. I went forward to tell God "whatever." I'll do whatever because I willing and because I have nothing else to do.
As I was typing the last part I was reminded of Ephesians 3:20
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.
Right now my imagination is wounded. I'm trusting what I know. He will do the rest. He promised.
This morning was quite special at worship this morning--on several levels. One of the very meaningful moments came at the end of the service. I pastored in the Church of the Nazarene for over 20 years. I saw the overuse and abuse of the "altar call" but I also saw beautiful sacred moments. I have missed the oppotunity to bow and "do business" with God. As the pastor preached, I felt my heart wanting to move. Our denomination doesn't have a "mourner's bench" or kneeling altar at the front, but as our pastor closed his message he gave an invitation. I honestly couldn't get there fast enough and knelt at the steps. All I could say, all I could tell God was "whatever."
One of the things that I heard God saying through Pastor's message was that God calls us beyond ourselves. Using the story of Gideon, Pastor demonstrated how God wanted to do something amazing so he clearly called Gideon beyond himself. When God wanted to extend his work (see Acts 1:8) to the ends of the earth, he knew that it was going to take way more than that little group could muster so he told them he would give them the means as long as they would trust him (go and do as I instruct you).
Right now it is really hard for me to imagine what God might want to do with me because I have been so busy aching in my heart to do what I do well (teach, speak, and preach) and have been barred from doing. There is so much hurt and my eyes are so clouded with tears of grief and loss that I cannot see or imagine what God could do with me. I went forward to tell God "whatever." I'll do whatever because I willing and because I have nothing else to do.
As I was typing the last part I was reminded of Ephesians 3:20
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.
Right now my imagination is wounded. I'm trusting what I know. He will do the rest. He promised.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)