Lamenting

Lament or There’s Nothing Like a Good Whine
Is a lament more than a pity me party? I have always thought lamenting was more about anguishing and yet that is how my very astute friend identified my need. She told me to go home and lament and write about it. I’m so very compliant.

I was and have been afraid to really let myself go to the place I identified as lament because I was afraid of getting stuck there. Even earlier this week I only allowed myself a five minute pity party. Why? My initial answer: my feelings have never truly been validated, not by me and certainly not by others. When I was afraid, instead of trying to understand, others just convinced me that I had no reason to really feel that way. When I felt vulnerable or in over my head, others told me I could handle it all or that I would be okay so just keep going. When I got (or get) angry, I’m told I’m just overreacting.

This has gone on my entire life. My solution has been to just restrain myself and minimize my emotions. Thinking and writing that made me want to just laugh right out loud! I don’t feel restrained and I seriously doubt that others would use that word to describe me. In fact, I’ve always feared I was far too close to a histrionic personality than was good or healthy. As I sit here reflecting on that, I wonder if that behavior isn’t more of a mask or a persona to cover my deeper retrained and denied self. Like clown make-up: a way to keep others from really seeing who I am and how I truly feel. I’m reminded of a reading that is read every retreat weekend by the spiritual fellowship I’m a part of entitled, “The Mask.” At one of those weekends a dear friend and sister in the faith gave the Piety Talk and as a demonstration of becoming transparent took off her make-up. It left her feeling extremely vulnerable as she never goes out in public without her “face” on.

As soon as I was able to get to a quiet place I pulled out the Psalms. My first landing place was Psalm 77. Here are the verses that seemed to express the Psalmist’s lament:
1- I cry out to God without holding back. Oh, that God would listen to me!
4-You don’t let me sleep. I am too distressed even to pray!
7-Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will he never again show me favor?

Two of the Psalms that my friend recommended I read were Psalms 42 and 43. So I did. (Did I mention I’m a compliant sort of person?) I was surprised as I started reading Psalm 42. I was immediately reminded of the worship chorus, “As the Deer.” I have never associated that chorus with lamenting. It has always been a type of prayer for deeper spirituality. Reading on, I felt the writer’s anguish. He writes about thirsting for God because his tears have been his only food while his enemies surround and taunt him.
4-My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks—it was the sound of a great celebration!
6-My God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember your kindness.

Psalm 43 is more of the same. The Psalmist asks the question “why?” but then seems to very quickly move on to a “but” and reminds himself of God’s goodness. These two Psalms seem to demonstrate more restraint than anguish. Feeling there must be more, I turned to Lamentations.
-2:10 The leaders of Jerusalem sit on the ground in silence, clothed in sackcloth. They throw dust on their heads in sorrow and despair.
-2:11 I have cried until the tears no longer come. My heart is broken, my spirit poured out.
-3:16-18 He has made me grind my teeth on gravel. He has rolled me in the dust. Peace has been stripped away, and I have forgotten what prosperity is. I cry out, “My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”

Jeremiah writes in Lamentations 3:22, “By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.” I have often turned to this passage when I needed to be reminded of God’s goodness. One of my favorite hymns seems to find its inspiration in this passage, “Great is Thy Faithfulness.” But I had not really noticed Jeremiah’s words in verse 22 until today: “kept from complete destruction.”

Over the past few years when I have described the injury to my husband’s ankle I use phrases like: completely destroyed, or totally crushed. The doctor described his work as putting Humpty Dumpty together again. Somehow in that I got an image of complete destruction when in reality that just couldn’t be. Just because all the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again, did that mean he was completely destroyed or they were limited in their ability? It may sound like an odd question until your life feels a bit like Humpty Dumpty and you’re wondering what to do with the pieces. If you’ve got pieces you’re not completely destroyed. God can do something with the pieces. The Gaithers understood that when they penned the words to that old chorus: “Heartache, broken pieces, ruined lives are why you died on Calvary. “

Jeremiah takes up another issue that I have been struggling with: silence. I feel like I’ve been silenced. It has been over four years since I’ve preached. This summer I was released from a job I loved where I had opportunity on nearly a daily basis to teach people. My current working situation has necessitated my dropping out of choir. When my two year old grandson wants you to listen to him instead of having grown up conversations he puts his finger to the side of his mouth and gives a clear, “Shhhh. Stop talking Mema.” The part that is understood in that is that when you stop talking you will then listen to him. I feel like I’ve gotten a “shhh!” from God. I just don’t know what I am supposed to hear.

Once I got home and was able to do some research about the spiritual practice of lamenting. The first article that I pulled up (http://www.umc-gbcs.org/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=frLJK2PKLqF&b=3929039&ct=5013819) stated quite emphatically that absence of lamenting inhibits our ability to learn from our mistakes and find forgiveness. I’m going to do some more research and reading (I just hunted down a book on half.com by Dan Allendar, “The Cry of the Soul” and put it in watch). I have to figure out how to incorporate this practice into my spiritual life.