Crushed and Overwhelmed

We were crushed and completely overwhelmed, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we learned not to rely on ourselves, but on God who can raise the dead. And he did deliver us from mortal danger. And we are confident he will continue to deliver us. (2 Corinthians 1:8b-10.
Over the course of my spiritual journey, I have referred to a later passage in this letter where Paul describes his “down but not out” life (see 2 Cor. 4). I used that passage to bolster my weary heart, telling myself in essence, “it could be worse; God won’t let me hit the bottom.”

Paul seems to be saying something very different in the verses above. Just after sharing that we are comforted in order to share God’s comfort with one another, Paul describes a very deep low in his life. Notice he states that he was:
-crushed
-completely overwhelmed
-and expected to die
In the words of the Amplified version: we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life [itself].

Paul seems clear on a primary lesson learned from his despair: dependence upon God. I was raised in a “bootstraps” home. Perhaps you’re familiar with the philosophy of raising one’s self up by their bootstraps. Growing up the message I received was that I couldn’t really count on anyone and if I wanted a job done right I needed to do it myself. As I reflect on that and the course of my life, I am immediately struck by the exceedingly great number of people who through their reaching out to me have demonstrated the fallacy of that kind of thinking. Just this summer, when we were going through a particularly difficult financial time, a widow in our Sunday School class wrote me a very generous check. Here was what she said to me, “God wants me to do this. Since my husband died I’ve had more than enough. If I leave this in the bank, I’ll depend on the money and not God—and I don’t want to do that.”

I will confess there were times this summer when I questioned what God was doing. Nelson was depressed after his surgery, I lost my job and my sense of purpose, finances were very tight, our one daughter moved away and the other moved into her own apartment. There’s an insane legal issue hanging over my head that can affect me for the rest of my life. The stock market plummeted and we’ve had to sell off thousands of dollars. Several times Nelson has started a conversation about our finances and I zone out because I just can’t bear to hear more bad news. And the question that rises in me is “how are we going to do this God?” And he reminds me that he is still in control.

One of the other things that I noticed when I read this passage was that doesn’t say that God made life all rosy. This comfort that Paul speaks so much about in the opening verses does not necessarily take away the pain. Paul says that he was delivered from mortal danger, his life was spared. This reminds me of Job. When the great testing came upon Job from Satan, God told Satan he could touch him however he wished but he could not take his life.

There have been times during my adult/married life when things were tough and I watched Nelson struggling to make ends meet for us when I actually talked to God about how it might be better off for Nelson if I was dead. The twisted thinking there was that I knew that Nelson had a $250,000 life insurance policy on me and I thought he could use the money more than the financial worry. I couldn’t even go there this summer because for the first time in our married life we had to cancel our life insurance because we could afford it. Can’t afford to live…can’t afford to die.

Yes, Paul, I understand feeling crushed and completely overwhelmed. Thankfully, I also know how to be dependent upon God. God put me right here, on purpose. I am surrounded by the exact people I need. I have the work opportunities that he wants me to have—when he wants me to have them. It will do me no good to try and rush things or whine about my circumstances.

Circumstances. Here’s what I know about those. If my circumstances are the results of my own choices, good or bad, they’re mine. I’m reminded of David as I think about this. He was going to have to face the consequences of his actions with Bathsheba. On the down side this resulted in the loss of his child. On the up side, God was with him. Nowhere in scripture do I find that God removes our consequences, but he does promise to walk through them with us. The Word is very clear on this: never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.

And he will continue to deliver us. In Lamentations we read that God’s mercies are new every morning. He moves us on to the next thing.

I’m not sure if perspective and attitude are solely related to our personality and internal wiring or if they are a choice. I tend to be an optimist. I see the possibilities spreading out endlessly before me. The days of my week may hold the same thing over and over, but each day is a new opportunity. Just because the path is familiar, doesn’t mean it has to be boring. God promises to inject into each day exactly what I need. Finding that can be a wonderful adventure. I look forward to discovering my manna.

I feel a little like one of the Psalm writers. Starting off wondering why God would allow the mess and chaos of my life and wondering where in the world God is in all this—and how long it was going to be like this. But then I find myself returning to the truth that makes all the difference: God is here with me; God will deliver me—not just because he can (he has the power) but because he loves me (and that love is lavish).