Fervent?

When was the last time you used the word fervent in a sentence? I can't remember either. So when I was looking for verses about prayer and rediscovered our verse in James, it should probably come as no surprise that I got stuck on that word. What does it mean? What does it mean to pray fervently? As is my pattern, I went to dictionary.com to look up this unused and unfamiliar word. There I found that to be fervent is to mean imassioned, passionate, or ardent. That definition, of course, led me off to quickly find out what ardent means. Ardent is defined as intensely devoted, eager, or enthusiastic; zealous. Each word defined the other. Initially I wondered if the intensity that was being described was to define the action of praying. As if something about the way I pray would bring about more positive results. I've heard stirring prayers in different worship settings that have left me feeling that perhaps my prayers weren't “good enough.” Perhaps I just needed to get louder, pace around, and wave my arms at the heavens. Afterall, isn't that a more accurate portrayal of Jesus' intensity in the garden. He was so intent in his praying that he sweat drops of blood. That sounds pretty fervent to me. All this thinking about fervent prayer reminded me of a very special thing that happened at a church I attended back in the 90's. My primaray “assigned” ministry was chaplain at an agency that worked with out of home placed kids, but I was also a part of a pastoral team at my church. Our beloved pastor was going through a very rough time with the ravages of cancer. In our congregation there were three persons who had served as senior pastors, myself included, so we had been directed by the district leadership and the local board to divide up the pastoral duties to cover for our ailing pastor. This was a very emotional time for our church, but it also turned into a very dynamic time of spiritual growth and maturity. No place was this more obvious than in our times of prayer. You want to talk about fervent? Our intense prayers for our pastor and his family spilled over into earnest prayers for our congregation. Then I happened to be covering in the office and I noticed that this experience didn't stop at the walls of the church or its parking lot. Calls started coming in from individuals in the community who had heard that we were a “praying church” and they wanted add their concerns to our prayers. Members of the congregation were stopped at the grocery or Walmart by friends and acquaintances and asked to pray for needs and situations. One Sunday worship as we were preparing for the congregational prayer time we stopped and reflected on this. The congregation had always wanted to make an impact in the community. Now they had. So what would they do with it? We chose to keep praying. So where was the passion and intensity in our prayers? It wasn't about noise or motion, it was about a deep desire to reach the heart of God with the things that mattered to our hearts. That's what I'm hoping to find again. It'll be exciting to see what else will be affected in my life because of this commitment to Pray First this year...but I will be ardently seeking to find out!

Thank-full

I am so thank-full today. I have a wonderful husband. God placed such an amazing man in my life. He and I both know that he isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me. Our two daughters are moving in positive directions in the journeys with the Lord. To hear the younger praise God for the recent provisions and blessings in her life just really blesses my heart. I have a job where I can serve and live out my faith. We have found a sweet congregation to unite with and find ourselves growing in grace and knowledge. There's so much more, so very much more. I just want to own up to the lavishness of his love.

I want my dream back

If someone were to come to me and tell me that I would be guaranteed to have the job of my dreams until the day I died, that I could never lose it, but that I could also never change it, what would I chose?

Piece of cake. No questions. No second guess. As sure as breathing, I would pick being a hospice chaplain.

Just before I typed that several other interests came to mind. I love speaking at retreats. I loved preaching. I enjoy writing. I pondered them for a while, allowing my mind to think and dream, but none held the contentment for me of my original choice.

The saddest part for me is that it can't happen. I wonder if Moses felt this way as he watched the children enter the Promised Land? I bet he knew he could lead them so much better given what he knew now, given what he'd been through with God. I wonder how he found peace. I wonder how he came to terms. I wonder...

I can't have my dream. So I've stopped dreaming. Having no dreams is a lousy way to be.

Pressing On

Since May, I have been involved in a somewhat unique Bible study. As is typical, we started out with 5, went up to 7, and are now down to 2. The two of us that are left are the ones who had the idea for the study in the first place. We are studying Philippians. Not too unusual. We are translating it from the Greek. I have taken many classes in New Testament Greek and she has her degree in Classical Greek. It has been quite an experience. We have enjoyed this so much that we are planning to move on to the gospel of Mark as soon as we finish Philippians, and we're just starting chapter 4.

As I was studying this week, I got to Philippians 3:13 and I found myself in tears as Paul's very personal words to his friends touched my heart profoundly. His language is so emphatic and intense. He tells them that he completely forgets what is behind and with his whole being strains intently forward. The commentators that we've been using as resource were having field days picking away at the minutia of the verses in this section and all I could hear was the intensity of Paul's heart.

In the beginning of chapter 3, it seems to me that Paul is describing his own kenosis directly on the heels of his holding up the pattern which Jesus laid out for us (see Phil. 2:6-11) and this follows his pleading for them to be of one mind, the mind of Christ. Paul states with clear conviction the reasons he would have for grasping at glory. In Jewish terms and experience, he really was all that and a bag of chips. But for Paul, it was all worthless crap when compared to the treasure of knowing Christ Jesus as Lord.

Now there is some question, according to biblical scholars, as to whether Paul is saying that he's forgetting his impressive pedigree, or forgetting his murderous attack upon the early church. I'm of the mind that it could be both. Knowing Christ fully for Paul seems to involve letting go of his arrogant pride and his shame-filled guilt. To hang onto either would seriously limit his ability to move more fully into relationship with his Lord. Were he to maintain his hold upon his socially and spiritually enviable position, he would find little room or need for a savior. On the other hand, wallowing in his shame and guilt would result in his failure to trust in the one was and is able to see beyond that. These forces for Paul were exceedingly strong and needed to be met head on with an attitude and fortitude that could only be described as he does so intensely, "straining, reaching, moving toward."

Reading this passage again this week, and examining the words that Paul used to convey his message, I was struck by the contrast of my own intentions and effort toward knowing my Lord and Savior. Like many, I have lots of "want to", but am very weak on the follow through. God drove this point home further with me this morning with my pastor's message. I began writing this piece early this morning before church, so I was already thinking deeply on my need to bring my follow through up to the level of my heart's desire. Pastor Tom's message dealt with the passage in Malachai where God is chastising the people for their blemished offerings. Very clearly Pastor spoke God's truth to my heart: God doesn't want my leftovers.

My leftovers, scraps of time offered to Him here and there just aren't enough, and surely aren't good enough. So with energized intention I'm beginning a renewed phase in my walk. Not only will I live up to what I know (also a part of Paul's message to the Phillippians), but I will be seeking and living into new ways to walk more fully in grace and knowledge.

Everything I Need

I have everything I need. If I don't have it, I must not need it. Can I trust God that much? Can you?

Pinterest

So this morning I began exploring this new social connection site, Pinterest. As I started considering areas of interest, I began contemplating sacred and special places. What makes a place sacred? I'm thinking that a place becomes sacred, any place, when my spirit recognizes the presence of His spirit. It seems so simple...yet strikes me quite profoundly.

Butterflies and Boundaries

What do you give to the person who seems to have everything they need? Someone bought the woman I provide daily care for an interactive butterfly collection. It’s a butterfly in a jar. Tapping the jar one, two, or three times will “wake” the butterfly and cause it to do tricks. Setting something on the table can have the same effect. It’s cute, but there’s something wrong about it.

Now I am completely aware that it is not a real butterfly, but even still the thought of holding a butterfly captive and forcing it to do tricks is not an image I want. Butterflies were not created to be held captive. They were created to flit among flowers, skim over the grass, and gently land upon those who are still. Their grace, beauty, and delicate nature speak to the wonder and whimsical nature of their creator.

I feel the same way when I watch children catching fireflies and putting them in jars. It’s not right. Chase them and laugh as they allude your grasp. Sit and watch them light up the yard or field as daylight slips into darkness. But why trap them? Why confine them to a place that removes them from where they can live freely? Why condemn them to an early death, separated from what they know and love?

I wonder if that’s how God feels when we allow ourselves to be captured and held captive by things that will drain the life out of us, when we give into addictions, lusts and sinful desires? I wonder if God’s heart breaks to see us place our fragile hearts into the hands of the deceiver? Don’t we realize we were created for more?

In an attempt to keep us safe when we were young children, my parents put a fence around our swing set. We had a nice size yard, but we were confined to the smaller area. I remember watching kids in nearby yards running freely and being very jealous of their ability to seemingly roam at will. It wasn’t fair. I resented my parents. I imagine I felt like a butterfly in a jar.

Later in life when I came upon a verse in Psalms, I felt that same feeling of injustice rising up within me. David wrote in in Psalm 139 that he felt that God hemmed in behind and before. Reading the Psalm, I don’t get any impression that David resents God’s hemming him in. On the contrary, he seems to be marveling at how God had protected him, even from the womb.

The only fence in my yard is for my dogs. I have on numerous occasions reiterated the boundary lines for play and bike riding to my five year old grandson. It is for his safety and protection. We don’t need to push the boundaries if we can trust the one who seeks to keep us safe. Trust me, I speak from pain-full experience, there is no wisdom in breaking those boundaries.

I still will probably never understand a butterfly in a jar. But I will always understand the need for a good fence. God has my full submission, and appreciation, for any boundary he wants to put in my life.

Un-action figures

Ok. So I'm watching Phineas and Ferb with my 5yr old grandson. On this episode the boys made Perry the Platypus into an action figure. But he was an action figure that didn't do anything. Really? An action figure that does nothing? What kind of sense does that make? The point of an action figure is to act.

I guess an action figure that does nothing is about as non-sensical as a Christian who does nothing...I'm just saying....

On Hope

20κατὰ τὴν ἀποκαραδοκίαν καὶ ἐλπίδα μου

This is the first part of Philippians 1:20. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the κατὰ, but it’s the ἀποκαραδοκίαν καὶ ἐλπίδα that really caught my attention as I was studying this morning.

ἀποκαραδοκίαν is a very interesting word. It’s a classic Paul word: multiple words scrunched together for emphasis. It is a word describing hope. O’Brien suggests that it has a bit of a negative connotation to it. When you take the word apart, it means to look away from something to consider another thing. The intensity is demonstrated in the image of a head stretching out far in a different direction.

Hope definitely takes us in a different direction. I find that it is very easy to get sucked into the world’s downward pull and the only way out is to turn my eyes away. And I guess the intensity of that is difficulty I feel trying to break free of that pull.

καὶ ἐλπίδα, then is a more future oriented and positive hopefulness. And we need both: hope for the moment that enables to believe that I can live differently now and for the future that gives me something to live toward.

I had a medical procedure today that I’ve been anticipating for nearly three weeks. Hope was what enabled me to get through that time with as little anxiety as I did. No matter what the result, I knew that I could get through the potential present difficulties and arrive at my promised future. It gave me a better understanding of what Paul was saying when he declared that to “live is Christ and to die is gain.” It really is “win-win.” Now there’s reason for hope!

Holy Choreography

Earl Palmer writes in his book, “Integrity in a World of Pretense”:

Paul says that two things will combine to make the bad situation in which he finds himself turn out for his deliverance: the prayers of the Philippians and “the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ.” The word “help” in in this sentence comes from a verb that has as its root the Greek word choros, choir or chorus. It originally meant “ to lead a chorus,” then “to pay the expenses for training a chorus,” and by the time Paul wrote it had come to mean simply “to defray the expenses of something, to provide, to supply in abundance, to choreograph.

The Holy Spirit choreographs our prayers.

There is a dance competition show that I love to watch--for a lot of different reasons. I love the way the dancers lose themselves in the dance. Their lack of inhibition doesn’t just tug on my heart it about pulls it straight out of my chest. I also have favorite choreographers. There are a few that I can always count on to amaze and move me.

Does the Holy Spirit do that for me? Can I throw myself, with no inhibitions, completely without abandon, into His “unforced rhythms”? Do I trust the steps He has laid out for me, for others? Can I let Him lead? Can you?

http://youtube/r8EoFESw4iY

Precious Moments--Lap Time

One of my most favorite images of God is that of a child being held, nustling right in his strong hand, curled up in his ample lap. At five, Asher will still come and find my lap when he wants to fall asleep. It doesn't matter what I am doing because he knows I will immediately drop it to hold him while he falls asleep. I absolutely never see it as anything but a precious gift and I won't miss a single one of them. I know that someday, way sooner than I want, he will think he is too big for that--and he will be. I will so terribly miss those moments.

Tonight when Asher crawled up into my lap and yawned, totally secure and totally sure, I couldn't help but think of how God must treasure when I come to curl up in his lap, when I acknowledge my need to be held. Thankfully I will never outgrow that and God will never get tired of me coming...ever.

Precious moments indeed.

Lent: Where I'm At Today

Lent. Another time of anticipation. Another time for preparation. A time for sacrifice. A time for tuning. A time for deeper listening. Slowing. Becoming more deeply aware, sensitive, present.

What if the thing I’m to give up is my overall proclivity, tendency, preference for busyness and noise? What if instead of merely getting my spiritual toe wet, I jumped in and submerged myself in open spirituality? What if I intentionally choose to look at things from a different perspective, God’s?

I was thinking about this after I got a call the other day from daughter. It was Ash Wednesday. She called me at work to share a cute Asher (my 5yr old grandson) moment. It was right after pre-school and she was trying to explain Lent and the process of “giving something up.” Innocently, she suggested that they, both she and Asher, give up eating fast food (McDonalds, Wendy’s, etc.) for the forty days of Lent. He was beside himself at the very thought of this. He melted down in huge gut wrenching sobs. I honestly believe that it was in part due to the fact that his limited 5yr old understanding feared that he wouldn’t be able to eat anything due to the high number of times that both they and we eat out. He was finally able to agree to the possibility of giving up soda pop.

Asher’s response really triggered some intense questioning for me. His response felt uncomfortably familiar to me. How many times had God invited me to move into a more costly experience and deeper relationship with him, but I broke down at the very thought of what I would be “giving up”, because I couldn’t imagine how life would go on without the familiar thing? Even if that thing was the very thing that held me back from growth, or real joy.

Typically, I am easily impressed with what it is that I am to be sacrificing for my Lenten journey. This year it hasn’t been that way. I felt no peace about giving up chocolate, coffee, pizza, or pop. What I am feeling is a deeper wrestling with offering God an item or individual thing instead of looking at the process from the “big picture.” It feels to me that after being at this spiritual journey for nearly forty years now I should be doing better at living with the grand scheme rather than focusing on the minutia. I’ve been very good at seeing the trees, it’s time, however, to take in the forest.

So I determined this year to focus on how I am doing at living what I know and seeking to know more. Doing this will engage my spiritual senses both in areas of breadth and depth. There will be a natural turning away from the familiar time wasters and worldly pastimes that have all too successfully sucked up my attention. I am imagining and already experiencing walking away from TV to read. My conversations have taken a different tone. I still have a long way to go, but I can see the corner as I’m getting closer to rounding it.

I don’t foresee that this will be a simple transition, but really feels like the right one for me. I wonder who else I will find along this new path in my journey.

Homage

I am a NASCAR fan. I smile when I say that because there was I time when the words would never have come out of my mouth. I remember back when we lived in Kansas City having lunch with a couple from church and we had to eat where he could see the race. I thought it was weird to put that much attention into watching grown men drive in a cirlce. Many years later, Asher learned his numbers from the race cars. He learned to identify the racers by their numbers--it was terribly confusing when Tony Stewart was no longer the #20 car. I have participated in NASCAR Fantasy for more years than I can remember right now. My favorite words are: Boogety, boogety, boogety boys! Let's go racing. And you better tell them to start their engines with gusto!

Just now I was watching the start of the Daytona 500. The announcers explained that on the third lap there would be silence to honor Dale Earnhart who's greatest legacy probably wasn't his 7 Daytona wins as much as it was and is his contribution through the ultimate sacrifice in the improvements to safety of the sport he gave his life for. As the cars made the third lap and the announcers were silent, the cameras panned the crowd. Practically everyone there raised their hand and lifted three fingers to honor the racing legend. It was quite moving. I confess I choked up and teared up. And moved directly to my computer.

I was able to gather with other believers this morning for corporate worship. The music, all but for one song, moved me. I was frustrated that I had no voice to sing, but silently mouthed the words and worshiped from my heart. I heard a phrase in the familiar hymn, "How Great Thou Art": Then sings my soul , my Savior God to thee, how great thou art. It's not my voice that is required as much as my soul, my heart, my inner being.

On the one upbeat chorus that I was unfamiliar with, there was a phrase about lifting our hands. I didn't look around much but I did notice that the woman behind me shamelessly and exuberantly raised her hands. And I found myself thinking: what if we would all just close our eyes, would there be greater freedom to lift hands and hearts in praise? Would our faces be able to express our joy or brokenness? In a later chorus I was humbled and broke into tears as I sang, “I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.”

I thought about that again as I saw that massive crowd of over 100,000 people raising their hands to pay homage to a man who drove fast around a two and a half mile loop and died doing the thing he loved. And I wondered: why were they so much freer at paying homage than we are to the real King of Kings, and Lord of Lords? I think that’s why I really choked up and teared up. Oh sure it was a moving moment, but it was a humbling moment for me--and it had nothing to do with racing and everything to do with life and my willingness--or unwillingness to openly live what I say I believe.

I Am Your Servant Larry Norman

I sat still a lot on Monday at work. It was my first day back after having my gallbladder out Thursday of the week before. I knew that I wasn't going to lift much,even when I fed the fire I picked the lightest logs. I wanted a nap in the worst kind of way. About two-thirds of the way through the nine and a half hour shift I found myself warring internally over how ridiculous it was to be at work so soon after surgery and being thankful for the low-stress job that I had been blessed with.

One thought seemed to bubble to the top at the end of the mental battle. Somewhere in the process I remembered the story of Henri Nouwen. This scholar who was in such demand as a professor, speaker, and even more recognized as a gifted writer seemed to find his greatest contentment working with profoundly mentally and physically challenged adults. And in that moment I got it. It's all about service.

Next month I'm going to teach a class at my church on personality and spirituality (drawing heavily from MBTI). It is something I am very passionate about and I am quite excited to do it. But...it is something I'm going to do, it is not who I am. I am a servant.

New Year Reflection Challenge

A friend of mine here at OD and Facebook (and by phone in real life) posted this challenge and it was a nice piece for relfection for me this morning.

Completing and Remembering 2010
In 2010

What were the most important things you learned?
I gained a very different perspective on my work as a care giver. I began to realize that I really loved my job, loved serving. It was a very different perspective than I had going into the position two years ago. It's not just a privlege to have a job, but I treasure the opportunity to gently serve.

What was the most loving service you performed?
Three things immediately come to mind. First, I have "sacrificed" my own life to provide daily care for my grandson Asher. Most of the time this seems like no big thing, but at other times it has impinged on my friendships and personal interests, but I won't not do it. The second thing that comes to mind is the time that I cleaned up after one of my charge's poopy accidents. She was ashamed, but I assured her that it was no problem at all--and it wasnt'. The final thing was serving at the community dinner.

What was the biggest risk you took?
Risk? I'm so not a big risk taker. Oddly, it might have been to start cooking.

How did you encourage others?
Sometimes I think that my middle name is "encourager"--which would sound weird, but anyway...I encouraged others through my writing, by listening, by praying, and leaving uplifting notes.

Who made the biggest difference in your life? How have you acknowledged them?
Nelson. Even after knowing him for over 33 years, Nelson continues to be the hugest influence upon my life. Additionally, I think that my friendship with Heidi has made a big difference in my life. She probably doesn't see it, especially since the one thing she continues to encourage me to do I have been blocked on.

How did you improve your relationships with those you love?
By speaking more plainly and being more intentional in my connections

What were your greatest achievements?
Speaking at the Womens' Retreat in September,

What else do you need to do or say to be complete with 2010? Nothing

Creating 2011

In 2011

What are you looking forward to learning?
More about MBTI and spritual formation and understanding

What undeveloped talent are you willing to explore?
Perhaps not "UN"developed, but UNDERdeveloped: getting my writing published

How will you experience more joy?
I will have my bike to ride all year! I'm going to cook more. I'm really looking forward to doing more with my garden.

What loving services will you perform?
Not sure, but I will be more open to the opportunities that present themselves.

What risks are you planning to take?
Putting my writing out there to publishers and marketing my speaking/retreat ministries.

How will you encourage others?
I will do what I always do, but I think I'm going to do more note/card writing.

How will you improve your relationships with those you love?
I have some thoughts, but need more time to develop them.

How will you make a difference in the world?
I will continue to do the service oriented living that is second nature to me.

What will be your greatest achievements? That will be seen more quickly upon reflection as the year unfolds.

Invite in the New!
Reflect on this past year and move forward with The New Year Make the following lists:
3 things for which you are grateful: A. Precious family and friends; B. freedom to express myself creatively and serve others; C. the grace and mercy of a sovereign God who loves me and wants to be in relationship with me in spite of my limitations and propensity to screw things up.

3 things you are ready to leave behind: A. Fear; B. Negativity; C. Lack of discipline

3 things you would like to forget or be forgiven for: A. Being a poor excuse for a mother (according to older daughter); B.

3 things you will forgive and not carry into next year: I'm pretty up to date on my forgiving, and I will adjust as I am aware...never sensical to carry unforgiveness: it's the burden no one can carry.